LOLA LOCKE – The Joys of Cat Ownership
I love my cat. Since getting her 9 months ago, some of my friends have even called me a crazy cat lady because of how much I care for her. Living alone can be pretty lonely without a pet and my cat ZZ has filled that void for me. Let me tell you about the wonders of cat ownership.
My cat and I have a special bond. I got her when she was about 3 months old. She was still so tiny that I could fit her in the palm of my hand. Being with her every day since then has created the special bond that only cat and cat owner can have.
ZZ at 3 months old
My cat wants to be everywhere I want to be. Sometimes this can get annoying, especially when I am in the bathroom and she is meowing at the door, but most of the time it is nice to have your cat sitting next to you or on your lap while you are relaxing or watching TV. Cats are also much warmer than humans so when they lay on you they become an extra blanket which warms you through those winter nights.
Cats are low maintenance. All I have to do for my cat is feed her and pet her. No walks (although this has been a fantasy of mine to take my cat out on a leash), no real training, no excessive grooming- none of these things. Cats are just the right amount of cute and just the right amount of independent for my busy life.
I think she knows I'm taking a picture
Cats are unique. This is the thing I love about my cat the most- she has her own personality. She likes to play fetch which makes play time so much easier on me. She greets me at the door when I come home from work. If I snooze my alarm too many times, she’ll paw softly at my face to wake me up. She loves to roll around on her back, exposing her belly. And sometimes, she’s just so fucking cute! I liken it to a kid. You never know exactly how much you’ll feel for something until you have it.
KYO LOCKE – I’m allergic to your fucking cat
Cats make me sick. I mean that quite literally. My eyes swell, I feel a lump in my throat, my nose runs – quite a number of symptoms that would want me to keep away from the fuckers. There is nothing else on the planet that makes my body react like this. My entire body attempts to kill itself in their presence, so I contend that cats are not animals, but rather demons from hell. I won’t digress into a discussion comparing them to dogs, but dogs do not kill me by being in the same room as them.
I hadn’t realized this about cats until I was in the 8th grade, where I was forced to volunteer in order to graduate. I did my time in a retirement home, where they had pet cats, and I actually had to go home on at least one occasion because of how sick the cats made me. Not the smell of urine and/or feces, not the disgusting hygiene of the elderly, not the feeling of death surrounding me. Cats. It’s been 11 years, and I’m sure all of the old folks have since died, which I’m going to attribute to the cats.
Salem was the cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. No one's seen the show's star Melissa Joan Hart since, so he must have killed her.
Lola has a cat named ZZ. ZZ also gives my body violent reactions. Because of this, I’ll keep my distance from her cat. Because ZZ, like most of her species, is a motherfucker, she likes to come near me for attention. Now, I’m friends with Lola, so I would never uppercut her cat, but it has crossed my mind a few times. The biggest deterrent to this, however, is that if I were to actually touch her cat, I’d probably get bowel cancer, because that’s what cats do.
Why would something that kills me want top get near me unless it was pure evil? I’m not the only one, either. Lola’s own boyfriend is allergic to ZZ, prompting him to go outside to smoke periodically. I’m not sure that smoking is any worse for his health than the cat is, given my experience with them evil little shits. Lola’s not the only friend I have that owns a cat, but all of them put a damper on my hanging out with friends. That’s bullshit.
The health ramifications of watching Halle Berry's Catwoman are actually pretty similar.
Nothing good has ever come from a cat. Forgive me if I sound a bit harsh, but fuck ‘em. Quite frankly, I’m a little miffed that they make my body not want top be alive around them. Just think of the most annoying person you know, the one who you try to actively avoid, and imagine that they made you physically ill. That’s my relationship with cats. They suck. We make a lot of concessions for people that are allergic to peanuts or some other shit, we should put a ban on cats. It’s only fair.
